A year ago today I watched as you took your last breath. I sobbed as I realized that I would never hear you say "God loves you and so do I." or "I love you Mandy-cakes." A year has passed and I would sob all over again just to talk to you again. I love and miss you, Mamaw.


Patricia Jean Dimitt
May 6, 1938 - June 26, 2008


"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." ~Proverb

SO..Excitement...I actually slept last night - like no dreams no nightmares...no visions behind my eyes at all...which for me was purdue heaven!

Then I woke up - went to meetings which are always fun because there's this one guy who likes to impersonate Dory from Finding Nemo. "Escape!" After about 60 times it's annoying of course. On my lunch break I drove across town...which is like a 30 minute drive (so I skipped lunch - oops) got to the glass shop, picked out the glass panes I wanted, and drove back to the youth center. Got back just in time for the next meeting, which was long and boring and the room smelled like the hotdogs they'd fixed for the summer camp kids' lunches. Yuck.

So at 3:30 the meetings I had to attend were over I went back to the glass shop...picked up the glass - which is awesome and drove home. So I dropped off my glass in my "studio" (which is what I'll refer to my garage as..since that's its purpose.) and went to that bar I discussed in my last blog.

It's really more of a sports bar..and the owner is quite delectable if curly blonde hair and a looming presence is your thing. However I was not in the mood for flirting or sexual innuendos. That...with this place being more "sporty"...is exactly what I got. I simply asked the guy if he could save some bottles for me - now I'll be frank ... I was a little snippy - So... apparently that made him think that I was flirting with him...No, actually I don't want to stay for a drink with you - after putting up with the guy's relentless flirting I got him to say yes to saving the bottles I wanted...he even showed me a few...probably hoping I'd let him see my cleavage. *Eye roll* I pointed and wrote down the names of the bottles I wanted - gave him a copy and wrote them down for myself. As I walked out he asked why I wouldn't have that drink - I just smiled, waved and said I'd see him tomorrow.

After that I came home...and realized I need glass cutters...damn...now I'll have to go get them. Yay for starting new projects. Oh...and I finished that painting last night

Today, it started with a nightmare - one about my dogs..who are at home...healthy and happy. It progressed into my cousin calling to say she was sick - what she was was bitchy. Then a friend asked me to come visit...I agreed that after I joined the family for lunch I would head toward the place he lives.

When I got to my aunt's house, I was excited, I'd finally get to go see him and his girlfriend - mostly because I'd been trying to go up there for months...and something always happens (I'm cursed...but that's a whole other story.) Anyway, I walk up the steps and my aunt comments about how tired I look.

"You having nightmares again?" (It has been a couple months since the nightmares plagued me nightly)
"Yeah...last night's was tough...I thought Ginger and Shooter were hurt...Woke up crying, etc etc.. You know the drill."
"Oh boy, do I. I'm not surprised though...you know what today is. I was actually surprised that Marty had to call you and say she was sick. We were all wondering how you'd be acting today...and guess what hun you've shocked us all."

I had no clue what she was referring to...What was today? I searched my internal date book...I came up empty...it's the 9th of June...I know that Aunt Sheri's b-day was on Sunday, and that Uncle Mike/a years anniversary since Grandma Pat died was on the 28th. What was I missing?

"Uh, what's today? Why am I supposed to be acting oddly?"
*Gasp* "You really don't know?"
"No...if I remembered what today was I'd be asking you just so you could gasp at me and then look at me like I've grown a second head." (I'm really sarcastic to my family - it's all about preserving the self - at least that's what I'm told.)
"Manders, today is the day that you had that interview last summer."

It was like running into a brick wall. My heart cracked under the pressure building in my chest. Tears threatened at the corners of my eyes...Why? Why would you remind me of that?

"Aw, sweetie, I thought you'd remember...you've always been the remember of the family..."

She was acting as if forgetting about kissing my grandmother on the head to go to Lansing for the night had been easy. The lady had just come home from a rehabilitation facility where the employees had been very substandard. I had stayed with her that night...stayed with her through the first of the at-home nurses visit. She'd just been diagnosed with lung cancer...we were all scared...I personally was terrified...

"Um...actually no I'd forgotten about that." I responded with my voice shaking just slightly.
"I don't know why you wouldn't remember...you left her there..then she went back in the hospital...and it was all down hill from there."
"Aunt Tori...can I go take a nap on the couch?" I was having trouble keeping the tears from flowing..my voice had a definite tremor and I really didn't want anyone to ask questions.

I went and I lay on the couch...CSI was on...some channel... I closed my eyes, planning on a light cat nap and ended up wrapped up in the whole situation...I could hear my Uncle Andy telling me Grandma was back in the hospital - not even two hours after I left. Then it was like fast forward to the chapel in the hospital - where we met with the oncologist...I was terrified- they'd just put her on the ventilator...which was like an ugly reminder of the past and how I couldn't deal with the thought of losing someone I loved. I heard my aunt Sheri asking me why I had to go to the interview..couldn't I just have postponed it? I only heard the casting of the guilt...I ran from the chapel, my breath was short, I couldn't get enough air...I ran to the smoker's pit - no one would think I went there. I was crying my eyes out...the sobs were literally shaking my entire body...and I was having trouble sucking in a full breath of air. Less than a day later they put Mamaw Pat in a coma...telling us they'd take her off as soon as they could...She never did come off it...she died within an hour of removing the vent...In my dream I can remember the entire family's faces...I just remember feeling so guilty...and helpless.

Unbeknownst to me I was crying in my sleep...tears streaming down my face and muttering about how it was my fault. I said I was sorry...over and over again...I begged her not to leave. Inside the dream I was battling for air...sitting in the ICU waiting area with my cousins...they held each other while I sobbed...whenever anyone touched me I flinched...so they left me alone.

I woke up after watching her battle to take her last breath of air...talking out loud about how I was sorry for letting her down. I opened my eyes to my aunt and uncle both holding my arms - apparently I had been thrashing pretty badly. I was sobbing...I was also desperate to get away from them - I needed to be alone. No one had seen me cry...not since that hot July day when I sat down in front of my mother's grave and sobbed (I'd avoided crying at the viewing and funeral - I heard my cousins asking each other if I was frozen or just going silently insane. I voted for the silently insane part.)
I looked up at my aunt - who had let me go because I was screaming at them to stop touching me.
"I'm okay. Really."
"Amanda, I really think you should go to the hospital...you've been quite hysterical" - this came from my uncle - he's a lawyer...and I really don't like him
"I'm fine. I just need some air." I walked out onto their deck and sat on the steps. I was hurting so bad inside when Marty came to sit by me.

"Why do people put so much stock into physical scars when it's the emotional ones that never quite heal?"
"I don't know...but maybe one day I will." I looked at her...she and I look like sisters...except her hair is darker and she's skinny.
"This sucks. I hate your mom."
"Yeah, so do I. Wanna get away from here?"
"Yeah." My stomach was churning...I was going to be sick...."Let me go to the restroom and I'll meet you at your car."
"Okay..we really do love you, Cos. Everyone's worried....Mom even talked to your aunt...we all know how you take everything so hard."
"Yeah, kid..I know."

So after the mall and walmart, I decided that it might be easier if I just went home instead of going to my friend's...plus I really didn't believe him when he told me his girlfriend would be okay with me visiting after all that. I drove to Ann Arbor- mostly because my grandfather summoned me. All I needed was a hug...but I didn't get one...instead I got a lecture about how I should be taking my sleeping pills. It made me mad so I threatened to do more than just take my pills..then I cried some more...it was obvious to all present that I was full of hot air. I drove home to discover that my cat had knocked a picture of the wall and broken it's frame. It was a picture of me and my grandma...I hugged it - broken glass and all - to my chest and sobbed on the living room floor.

After that I got up off the floor, set the photo on the table...walked to the bathroom, splashed my face, went out on the porch...and stared out into the street. I wasn't going to let the guilt eat at me tonight...it had already ruined my day. Then I began to think about the nightmares I 'm sure to have tonight....options: 1. no sleep - can't really do that...I have a 12 hour day tomorrow 2. Valium - it'll take at least 3 to knock out the dreams...but 3 is on the verge of crazy for me..who knows if I'd wake up in the morning.... 3. Tears...crying myself to sleep has alway stopped the nightmares though I wake feeling as though I've drank too much. Guess it's option 3. But first I'm going to call my sister and watch Desperate Housewives of NJ.